losing a soul mate

Strange how some words are special to a person. Hope is one of my favorite words. It is funny though, I can hardly come up in my mind what hope means. Let alone describe it in writing. Where to start with this word, it is something you want, for you or someone else. But it has to be something not easily acquired or done. If it is easy why not get it instead of hope for it. In my mind Hope is not wishing for something that will not or can not happen. This is the hard part for me to explain though. What is the difference in an impossible dream and Hope, or is their no difference except in how you wish or pray for it to happen. To me it can not be hope if you do not belive it could happen. So I guess one persons hope could be someone else's futile dream. But then we get to the hard part for me to understand in my mind. Go ahead and think about something you hope for. OK now imagine you figure out that it is an impossible dream. So was what you felt before hope or a crazy dream? Is hope a feeling you have or something more. Before I met my wife I really was not much in truely hopeing for something. To truely hope for something you have to go out on the limb and "HOPE" it does not break. So if the limb breaks you are dissapointed, hurt etc. now if the limb holds it get more confusing because you hope for more it's like you can never stop hoping. This is how in my life I have been torn apart by hope and also happier than I ever knew I could be. When I married my wife I had a hope to spend the rest of my life with her. That is a very real and good thing to hope for. After a short time she was found to have breast cancer. Wow did this ever increase how much I hoped to spend the rest of my life with her. Amazing when you are afraid of losing something dear to you your hope increase(this happened to me several times). So now back to my story. We hoped that the cancer had not spread and was treatable (again hope comes about.) Now again I was back to the hope of spending the rest of my life with her. With this new Hope i learned to be a better husband and friend to my wife and thought wow this was a good leson to learn. the next time it came back I had more hope to spend the rest of my life with her yet I had more doubts. (here is where faith comes in and that is a whole other word.) SO now my fear was more intense that I may not get to spend the rest of my life with her, I still had the hope though. So after her bone marrow transplat and the odds of her being cancer free for five years was something like 1 in 4. I still had hope and some doubts, each year my hope became greater that I could spend the rest of my life with her. 1 year, 2 years 3 years working on the fourth, really starting to believe. Bam. Now the prognosis is not to good but some hope. But now it is tempered with just hoping for 10 years ok I'll settle for 5. Treatment does not work maybe 3 years, try another treatment 2, nope no help, oh here is another drug sorry 1, how about this one nope nooooo. Then we don't think the treatments help, a little hope go see another Dr. Sorry your Dr. is correct. After that we were given 3-6 months. Wow now what do you hope for. It was not forever on earth any longer. Now I hope for 6+ months some time stolen away from the Drs., now my hope began to change, not that at times it was not already changing over the 10 years of this battle we were dealing with. But now I was hoping for as long as possible but that was not what I hoped for most, now I was hoping for my wife to find peace. I still had my own ideas and hopes she would stay another day but I began to hope more for her peace and for her to have an amazing stength to deal with the last months, weeks, days, minutes of her life. So here is how hope was changing when I knew new time was wanning, I hoped way more for her comfort, peace and strength than I did for my time with her. I am glad to tell you that all my hope for her at the end was rewarded she was at peace with her dignity in tact when she left this world. But back to my initial hope, to spend the rest of my life with her. I thought at the end I had let that one go, I really wasn't conciosly hoping for forever (maybe a week or a month more). Let me tell you though, when you hope for something as much as I had hoped for forever during my 10 years with her. It dosn't go away so easy it comes on you like a ton of bricks (kabam). So now 2 months gone by. I wish she was here with me forever, that is a wish though not hope. If I had any way to have her with me I would do it, nope it can not happen it's not hope. I wish it could be hope. Now I am conflicted when I do decide to take off my ring and get rid of her stuff; am I giving up, I know I'm not, but as of today she could come home and find everything as it should be.

My Aunt had a awful tragedy this week. I was very saddened by the news. I have had many thoughts go through my head since I found out. But mostly I remembered my own greif and how I will be able to go on. My Aunt, I am not sure how she will deal with this and go on from the issues she is facing. Death is a sad thing, in my opinion at all times, ok I know we celebrate they are in heaven but here on earth we miss them dearly and are very sad. I will not go into her grief except to say she is a wondeful person who I admire greatly. I am sure she will find the strength she needs to go on but I do not belive she will ever be able to be the same again. I know I wouldn't. Now back to me this is a time when you realize it could be worse. We do all have our blessings. Some times it is a lot harder to find them. So back to my thoughts on this. So I have a terrible event happen to some one else, and it makes me think maybe I don't have it so bad. As I typed this, what happens to other people, does not change what I have went through, it may help me deal with it better though. I am not sure about that. I hope I can. So back to me I was home feeling lonely and maybe sorry for myself. So I still had no energy to do the things that will truely let me go on with my life; take my wifes clothing to good will, clean out her makeup drawer and remove the things that I will neve use from my home. (This is a time out from my blog for a minute this thought made me smile. If and or when I begin dating I don't think telling them "by the way I have everything set up for you at my house, makeup etc for you" I am pretty sure that won't fly.) So back to my blog I still have no energy to do those tasks. I also continue to wear my wedding Band and I am not sure why. I know that my wife will never come back she is gone from me. When I think about doing that stuff I tell myself their is no hurry, everyone one does things at their own pace. I think sometimes I use it as a crutch and I should just step up to the plate.

This is my first time, no clue what I want to say but I sucked at journeling and I have had several people tell me that they thought it would be good to put my thoughts and emotions down on paper so I tried never kept up at it. Well I think, maybe the chance that someone may read this will motivate me to do it. I find it hard to put my real feelings out there so I will try to do this as I begin my life as a blogger. I have several friends but have a hard time talking of my real emotions. I lost my wife a few month ago. People are always asking me "how are you doing?" I tell them things like I am muddling through, getting by, doing what I have to. Those are all true to a degree. But inside my heart is still void, I was thinking about this thought yesterday. I am not making memories. That sounds crazy but I believe that it makes a warped type of since. I do not feel the emotions when I am getting by etc. So I do not try to remember which is one reason it seems like it has only been a few weeks since she passed away. Then other times I try to remember her and I can't quite get it right. If I saw her I wopuld know it was her, but I just can't seem to picture her as she was when she was living. I can almost get it but it is not her, which I guess is why the fuzziness. I continue to change and she will now and forever never become any different in the earth so as I change she remains the same. I think the thing about love is both of you changing together. So I get to change and she dosn't so my memories are not perfect. I remeber the things we did but in my mind when I picture her it is just different. Well that is enogh soul bearing for one night. k