losing a soul mate

What a day went golfing for the first time in 4 or 5 years. I am an awful golfer. It was so hot, humidity was out of control. Any way I was so dehydrated (sp) and of course instead of water I had to drink about 4 beers. I have such a headache. So it is now about 10:00 PM and I just had my diner a TV diner. My stomach and head are like you need to sleep but we may not let you. I think this would be the day I would beg Susie to please just scratch my back lightly for ol say until I go to sleep. And she would have did that and it probably been about ten minutes and out I would have been. I guess that is something about the loss of your spouse that we all suffer through having that time where you feel really alone. I have some other thoughts on the "kind of selfish things" I miss about losing Susie. But I will get to them later on

Susie is at rest in a quiet peacful place. Spring and fall are spectacular and Sumer and winter can be as well. 

Susie was so loved by so many. I think, or I mean I realy believe that Susie would like this memorial. She would not want something showy just classy and a tad understated. 

Only 40 but will never be forgotten.  

You look at this and like what can a cars tv's etc have to do with losing a soulmate. This could also have been named decisions. I miss that so much, the person who I could talk to about buying or trading a car. We both would have an equal interest in the outcome and talk until we made a decision. Even buying a TV not a really big deal but still; how much do we spend etc. So now I can do what I want. Two minds are better than one though and Susie made me way better than I can ever be without her. So my decisions are suspect. I tell you, When you have someone that you trust with all your heart to help you make decisions and will not judge you if you make the wrong one and will stand beside you. That is a wonderful thing. Now I make decision, if it is bad no one cares, good big deal. Mostly I have not been making decisions, status quo, what do I do about this keep it the way it is, don't decide it will work its self out. So about cars, what do I do, by new, used, keep the one I have. Susie can't help me, I would love to be able to talk to her. I know she would say buy a used car, you lose if you get a new one. So now if I buy a used and it is a lemon who will help me work it out. no one.

another view of what it looked like when we layed her to rest. The dogwoods were beautiful.  

This is the road you have to go up. Very steep but so quite, peaceful and beautiful 

This is a picture taken 2 days after the burial 

I met with the guys who are going to set The monument at the cementary today. We had a heck of a time the cemetary is on top of a hill, up a fairly steep road. So we went up on 4 wheelers to figure if they could get their truck up the hill Tree blew over in the road Had to cut it up. Lucky for us they seemed to think they could get up their in the truck. So I went back to work. So now I am home and not sure how it turned out. They were only going to be able to pour the footer. The plot she is burried on is on a slight maybe, moderate grade. So they will have to put the footer then find another piece of granite to set the monumenbt on to keep it above the ground. They were hoping to finish it tomorrow, I hope so. I looked at the monument and it was everything I hoped it would be. I know Susie would have really liked it. I think it is perfect. Sometimes I wonder how it would feel to be beside her. I know at that time my grief will be over.

So I will have to call my cousin and find out what they got done, he was out there with them. He lives at the bottom of the hill. One of the truely good people I know. I still go back to being glad to have this done but then I think what will be left of my connection to Susie. I have been doing things like this insurance, bills to make me think and work almost with/for her. When it is over what will I do.

I will continue with the foundation but I am not sure I have the strength to make it work. I hate the thought of failing susie

Ok I really ain't skinny, But in my last 4 months I have lost about 20 pounds from a snug 38 inch waist to a snug 36. So now it is like if I lose much more what do Wear? Today I put on a pair of jeans and out the door with out a belt and you would of thought by the look of my sagging I was a gansta. It is weird that I have lost weight, I eat awful. I eat fast food 7 to 10 times a week. I do miss some meals but I have 4 oreos, sometimes 5 every night. Some people worry about me, I think it is just me and I can afford to lose some more weight off of my sturdy 195lbs and my regal height of 5'9". I have tried to exercise a couple of times but my motivation is just a tad off. I have decided that my weed eating and lawn are going to be done this week. I might even walk a time or 2. It is kind of strange though since I lost Susie I have not had urges for chocolate like I use too. We often times talked about not eating candy but one of us always gave in. Usually it was me. But once or twice she broke down and bought some. Last week I actually tossed out some recee cups from before she died. Now believe me in the past candy would talk to me and Susie at times would hide it from me because I would eat it until it was gone. So I hope that those candy urges don't come back as I continue on this journey set out before me.

Not even in a bad way, just blah. Meetings at work. Not really paying attention. Feel like the world don't understand me. I think I am speaking english, but I wonder if maybe I don't sound like Charlie brown's teacher blah ba bla bla blah.

Tommorow the headstone for Susie will be set. It has been 4 months almost to the day. I wish that I could see or maybe even understand my mission in life. Someone told me this (I may screw up the quote). "If you are wondering if your purpose in life is over, if your still living it isn't over"
Life mission- I think everyone should have the purpose of helping others. I hope that I can live up to that.

I like this picture. It brings back some hard memories. But also much more, it reminds me of some of the simple joys we shared. We were truly comfortable together. Sometime I was allowed to get on the bed myself :0) I loved her so much I don't know that I will ever turely be able to get over my loss.  

I took this picture at the outer banks behind the sand dune over the sound. It makes me realize how insignificant I am. This to me is anawe inspiring thing. I love the way the 2 layers of cloud and the bird all seem in different planes yet all seem to fit. 

zima 

Wake up early, get the paper, eat a little breakfast, nothing on TV, lots to do but no desire to do them. Another lonely Saturday. Thinking about a nap, at 11:00 AM. It is weird how sometimes I am home and seem to be moving forward. But today I just feel empty. I keep looking to fill that, but I can't seem to come up with the magic to make it happen.

A couple questions. Can you will yourself to have energy?

How real is loneliness?

Why are weekends the worst days?

Why do I feel alone in the world?

Why is it better sometimes to be alone and lonely than with
someone else?

I probably know the answers better than most cause I think about the questions all the time. My problem is knowing the answer and applying it are different.

hope will live forever.” That is what you will see if you go to the Big Battle Cemetery in Doddridge County WV. You have to go in and go clear to the end at the top left. In the spring you will see white dogwoods in bloom hanging down over the memorial marker for Susan D. Kellar. What a statement “live forever”, everyone, that knows Susie will understand why this statement is here. Susie was filled with true hope. She believed in the greater good. She is one of the few people that I have ever met that really got that. Susie had a 10 year fight with cancer. Now saying she had a 10 year fight is a little deceiving. She had years when she was in remission. She had days when she was fighting the disease that were as good as any other days in her life. She said this and in my heart I know she meant it. “My cancer was a gift so that I am able to meet and touch many lives that other wise would have passed me by.” She lived that, some of her worst days, someone would call her and ask about her foundation and she would find the strength deep inside herself to help the person who was calling. I was with her the day she was diagnosed through all of her treatments and when she went home. She never once in all that time said “this is not fair” “why me” “I hate God” nothing like that. I never ever detected any self pity from her she was amazing. I myself can not claim to be as strong, I would never say anything to her but God knows I often felt why are you taking the one thing in my life that makes me want to be all that I can be. I never wanted to disappoint her she was truly my saving grace. God knows I did my best to help her with the terrible journey she went through. Many people told me how wonderful I was. I am not sure though, I think she made my terrible journey bearable from her strength. I am not sure if she thought of it as a terrible Journey or just the price you have to pay to be part of God’s plan. Susie had something, when you met her you knew she was sincere. People could pick up on that. She wanted to help and her disease was the vehicle she used to fulfill who she was meant to be. I believe that Susie touched so many live in her 10 year journey (note not battle but Journey) with cancer that those she touched will want to give something back, She also was a great example that no matter what; you are in charge of your destiny. When it looks bad and seems as if the world is against you. She could say to herself “how can I make it better for someone else”. Wow if we could all do that, what would that do to the world. I think that is what her hope was. I don’t think she changed the whole world. But she changed many, many people who she came into contact with in the world. I believe in my heart the people she touched in 10 years during her cancer journey will continue to touch lives and that is why “Susie’s love and hope will live forever.” So here is what you will see at that small Big Battle Cemetery

Susan D.
Kellar

Jan. 23, 1965
Apr. 24, 2005

Susie’s love and hope will live forever

So if you ever make it out that way, I hope you can feel the JOY that those who knew her feel in having been a part of her life. And also if you never make it to that small cemetery. But see someone drawing strnegth during a JOURNEY(not Battle), that seems impossible. Know that their is a very good chance it may be in part from Susie's love and hope.

I wish each of you can meet and be a part of someones life who has true hope and love in their heart.

I came home today and do what I have been doing every time I come home for the last four months. I open the door go in, I take off my shoes (like I was trained). Then I holler for my dog Zima. He is a min pin. So he usually comes in looking sleepy, wagging his table. So I go through the house and out the front door with Zima following me. I bend down grab his chain and clip it to his neck. At this time I do the thing that is one of my small joys. I pet Zima, on his back. The reason I like doing this will probably not make since to anyone. When I pet Zima his fur is just so cool feeling, I mean that as in not warm but cool, like he has been sitting on a vent or something. Now when I am home with Zima and pet him it's not the same. I don't know if the difference is me or if he lies still all day and is just very cool. Anyway it is a small joy and it makes me feel alive for a moment. Crazy huh. That is my coming home story.

Now my triggered memory. Now this one you will say I understand why that is a great memory. Ten years ago when I worked the midnight shift. I would get off of work at 8:00 AM and get home by 8:15 to 8:20 AM or so. Susie had to be at work by 8:00 and usually left the house at oh 5 minutes after 8(Running late consistently). Now as you can tell this will not be a memory of time I spent with Susie. We missed from 5 to 15 minutes everyday. Now this memory I can almost taste it.

I close my eyes I am there again. I'm so tired, I was a bad midnight worker never getting enough sleep. So I was always ready to go home and get right into bed. But when I opened the door and walked in. You have to understand this was a three room garage apartment; bed, kitchen and living room very small. So anyway I go into the house. (My eyes are still closed) So now I am walking into the house, I can smell her, this is my favorite smell in the world. Susie would always put her obsession on right before she walks out the door. It was like she was still there the obsession was Susie for me. But the moment that I remember the most is walking into the bedroom, where the smell was the strongest. I can stop that moment in time. Between rooms, I would always stop there for just a moment. Feeling her all around me. I would then as quickly as possible get into bed. It was almost like Susie was right there holding me, telling me she loved me, till I went to sleep. I tell you going to sleep with Susie all around me was wonderful.

Probably my memories of Zima will not be as vivid as my memories of Susie. But I am sure some time after Zima is gone I will open the front door; maybe to get the mail or just go out on the porch. I will stand there and be able to remember the feeling of touching Zima and feeling the coolness of his fur. Then of course I’ll think of the old apartment at about 8:15 and just almost be able smell Susie.

Today...how is it different than yesterday; twentyfour hours later, is it better? The past 24 were better than the previous 24. Not sure why it was better. It wasn't great and I sure hope this isn't as good as it gets. August 15th is today, not a bad day, pretty sure that nothing happened today that I will remember a month from now. I guess that is better than something bad happening.

Someone sent me the following e-mail

I did read something once that really inspired me and still does from time to time. It went something like this: If you wonder if your mission in life is over, if you are alive, then it isn't!

OK what does that say? (If you wonder if your mission in life is over, if your are alive, then it isn't.) Well my mission what is it. I hope that it is to help people in some way. That is what it needs to be. I am trying, to help, I work with the foundation, at work, with my friends, my family. I try to help. Somehow I seem to get more help than I give out. I feel like I am swimming up stream. I know that a kind word, a bit of encouragement can make a difference. I hope that I can start feeling that I am making a difference somewhere. I know the good things I try to do but often it feels futile. Maybe its my passion to help, I am not passionate about it, I see that, the people that I am around also can see this. It is like just doing the motions.

So my mission is to help. I just hope I can find a way to be pasionate the way that Susie was.

Funny thing today, I was watering my plants, I must have 12 of them in my house. One of them is looking a bit ragged, not sure if he will make it. This upset me and I do not even really like plants. Susie on the other hand loved them, always finding the right plant to put in the place in the house that was just perfect. So now I have twelve plants in the house, each in a spot meant for it. So if I let this plant die an empty spot will bring me a bit of sadness. So I am now enlightened, I am going to miss something I don't like. It is no wonder, I am a basket case, missing something that was the whole world to me. So I keep watering my plants, I guess I will have to find out what kind of plant I have that is dying so that I can figure the care that it needs then it will stay in the place it was meant to be. Me on the other hand, I was exactly where I was meant to be. Now I just have to figure out where I am suppose to go, or do, or is this the end, it sure seems like it. No clue if I can let go so I'll be able to truly go on. Hell, I can't let go of a plant I don't like. How can I let go of the past or should I say a future dreamed of but never achieved.

This is hard for me. I know I want to meet and fall in love again. So I have talked and flirted with a few people. It feels good to be flirted with, but (and as Dr. Phil says "listen to what comes after the but"). I feel like it is wrong, I know in truth it is not, Another but here, I am afraid of what my friends and family would think if I date. Should I be? Wow that is tough. They care about me and also care about how Susie is thought of. So if they think I should be in morning, then they are only caring about Susie memory and probably me. Anyway the guilt is going on in my mind as I take my first steps into the world of relationships.
I was looking at pictures of my soul mate (having had one soul mate the girl that is perfect for me, should I even try, all others will fall short of that) Anyway the pictue that really got me and was what Susie was or I guess one part of her that made me love her (made her my soul mate). I have tried to upload some pics with no luck. Ok the picture. Long story. Susie and I loved Seinfeld, watche the show rerun after rerun. (you don't have to watch Seinfeld to understand but it helps) My wife had breast cancer and 4 times in her life lost her hair to treatment. She decided that wigs did not suit her very well. So often, when we were doing day to day things she would just wear a bandana. Well one day someone told her you look like a pirate. So if you are a seinfeld fan you know what her line was. "I don't wanna be a pirate" She would have prefered to have hair. But since she didn't she was going to hip and be her own woman. So that was often a little joke for us "I don't wanna be a pirate" well at the beach one year we go to a restaurant named Quagmires; kind of a pirate theam. Well we were walking on the beach after we ate and found a toy sword. I picked it up and brought it back to our condo. We were then hanging out one evening after a probably very hard day for Susie, we layed out at the pool and read in the 85 to 90 degree temps all day. Don't sound to bad unless you have to have oxygen 24-7. Susie loved the beach and this was our last trip, we thought it would be but hoped for at least one more. Well Susie had on a light blue bandana, an old faded relay for life teeshirt. The pic is from the waiste up. Now here is where I can not do the picture justice. She had a smile that said I am sure of myself, friendly, carinig, I have a since of humor, yes this all from one smile in a picture and the smile said I am happy. Well to have a smile like that and to have been told about 3 months ago that the treatments were not working and that your life expectancy is probably around 6 months truely amazing. That is the smile. Now to talk about her eyes. So blue looking into your soul. I mean they are world class pretty. (another diversion here, she has had at least three people in her life that she met ask her if she wore colored contacts the blue of her eyes was not of the every day variety blue) I assure you they were her blue eyes, everyday a gift from God to those of us who got to look into them. And of course the last piece of the pictue she is holding the pirate sword in an on gaurd position. The look on her face, it is like I may not wanna be a pirate, but if I'm gonna be a pirate, I will be the best pirate of them all. Susie was the best!!! I miss her more than I can ever say.

Acceptance, what is acceptance? Again, I have had a major loss in my life as you know if you’re reading this. It seems to take up much of my thoughts and I am a problem solver and I think and think about my loss and if it is a problem. I am not happy in my life thus a problem. Now how do you make yourself happy, I believe we are all in charge of our own lives, thus I should be able to say I am Happy and make it so. Can not make that one work. So now, I try to figure, what is the problem. Well in simple terms I had a loss and now I am sad. My loss is gone, she can not be a living part of my life ever again. So now I know this, I think I accept it. But maybe not. Acceptance is probably more than knowledge. It seems to me that it needs an action. What action does it take to have acceptance. Some thoughts none quite right; MOVING ON, FORGETTING, REMEMBERING HAPPILY, LETTING GO. They are very apt the way we would describe acceptance. Now we get into the part of the problem I am trying to solve. So if all of that is acceptance, easy said wow I think I will do that MOVING ON, FORGETTING, REMEMBERING HAPPILY, LETTING GO. Well now what do we do about this guilt feeling? Uhhm, well maybe if you have acceptance you don’t feel guilty. So I still feel guilty when I can’t picture her as crisp, clear as she lived. I would recognize her from a hundred yards but my mind can’t give me the image as she was. She was amazing in person and I know that, I tell people that, but my memory is weird. I would not give up one memory of her, now this is a whole other problem. Somehow (I am not a scientist bear with me) you have great memories; win the championship get married, let a dove go in honor of the person who mint the world to you, just things you never ever forget. So of course your brain has only so much room for these you don’t decide some of them can seem forgettable falling of skidoo, at sunset being asked by someone you never met if they could take your picture because “you and your wife looked so much in love”. This is the tough category these are the ones that can slip away. Sometimes something has to happen to jog you memory. But these will always be there, I even got to share these with Susie. Where my memory falters me is the day to day things. The so called unimportant conversations, the daily hug, the way we knew we are perfect together all the time she said I love you and I told her I love you. Remembering the exact smile when I gave her a card I had made or brought her flowers. How she knew when to take me in her arms and hold me, the exact way it felt to lay in her arms at night wake up to her in the morning. We had ten years of this, 3,650 days of going to bed and waking up. Can’t remember them all they kind of run together the fuzzy memory I mentioned that makes you feel guilty. I tell you now I know all these memories will ultimately make me happy. A certainty is I am glad I made them but the longer she has been taken from me the harder to remember the daily things. So after all this, what the hell is acceptance? I think in my heart I know what it is, but that action of doing it, oh my!!! That is different. Like right now I am not even sure I ever want to. I know what that means though. I can’t be happy if I do not find true acceptance. Blessings to you

Oh am I frustrated poured my heart out very long blog lost. I talked about moving on crying alone and not being able to step up to what a new friend would expect. That is the shortened version. Oh am I a goober, I bet it was 2000 plus words. Drat Drat Drat!!! Have a good day

I bought this move 2 week ago. Watched it today Saturday morning. I always liked the movie. Susie and I had probably watched it 10 times beginning at the movies then VHS and DVD. I enjoyed it and it made me sad when we watched it but it was the good kind of sad you share with someone you love, noone realy dies, its a movie. Susie gave me 2 gifts that reflect this movie, She gave me the word to Christines prayer that she wrote. If you can not remember this she says that she found the one person for her for all time and had all she ever wanted. "I paraphrased there". If you don't remember this passage see the movie again and know that this Susie and I. The second gift was a compass. She had engraved on it "you are my north". So now back to me watching this movie. I don't know if everone does this or not. But I watched and listened to this movie 8 times, then today. I heard the first letter that was recovered. I played the sequence several times. This is me, I feel the agony that he expresses in this letter. I was not perfect, not even close, I would do more, if given the chance. This letter tore at my heart. Then the second letter was found. more agony then christines letter and I turned the movie off to be seen later today.
Another thing about this movie Susie and I visited the outer banks from 4 to 6 weeks every year. We were there so often people(tourists) would ask us a question and quite often we would know the answer. We seriosly concidered moving there but Susie neve got healthy enough. And she could not be that sick and not have her family and mostly she wanted to be there for her family. So the basic primis of the movie is soulmate one woman for the charcter Garret in his life. 2 years later he meets theough deception another woman who may be able to make him happy and enjoy his life. SO through distance and fate it does not seem to work, then of cource it may be going to work, even with the distance and fate against it. But alass this is a true tragedy no sequell here. Garett dies trying to save someone else actualy he is successful. But of course he has one more letter on him he is throwing to the ocean to his first wife to say that he is moving on. Wow I looked over this post and it does not touch my true feelings, but I guess I can get another chance later on. missing Susie