losing a soul mate

I am going to the outer banks on Saturday. I think I deserve the vacation, heck I think almost all people deserve a vacation. But I am lucky enough to get to go. I will be there for 10 days woohoo. When I found out I could go and have a place to stay (no charge). I ask several friends and family if they could go. Strike out, so I was talking to a co-worker /friend I mentioned in a whiney voice, I was going alone could not get any sympathy. But she said her daughter was between jobs and would enjoy the vacation. So I said sure. So after I made the impulse agreement it was like oh my, 10 days with some one I had not met before, I may have seen her one time at a work function. So I think I can get along with anyone and it would be fun to make a new friend. (That sounds dorky)"find a new friend". Anyway I started looking forward to it. Then it was like well maybe she should meet me I am not perfect kind of an old square with this weird since of humor. So I called her mom and wound up going to their home for dinner a couple days later. It was a magnificent older home, with a great aura about it. I think I could tell it was a happy home. Then I find out she is a chef (hmm maybe she will cook a dinner or 2 while there) She made a very good dinner that night. She loves dogs, and has a great since of humor. So this is even better than I had thought. But really after spending the evening with her, I could tell that she is the type of person that will be true to her friends and has a tremendous spirit. I feel lucky that I get the chance to spend 10 days with her. This will probably sound crazy. But getting the chance to meet someone new with no expectations of anything but hanging out and having a good time is a rare thing. It is kind of like big brother with out the challenges and the evictions. So I look forward to this trip and hope that I am able to bring something new to this person with the wonderful spirit. So I l am looking forward to this trip and hope to make new friend. I tell you at my old age of 40 you rarely get a chance to make a new friend, not a girl friend but a friend.

Ok here I go I was driving home by myself yesterday. It was about a four hour trip. So I think about many many things when I drive. Some of them are pretty of the wall. Well I had this thought about how I feel about dating. It is a crazy comparison. So here goes. I have been on a few dates since I lost my wife. So my analogy is this. Everyone tells me that dating is alright, hell Susie told me many times that when she was gone she wanted me to be happy and find someone else. (She mentioned a few people that were not expectable) but other than that I was on my own. So I have left alone the forbidden, was not interested in them any way. But about my dates everyone and I mean everyone I talk to says that it is ok to go out and have fun. I some what believe this. So to my analogy about the chocolate. You go to a friend’s house (now bear with me). They have say 8 pieces of very expensive chocolate. I mean the $12 a pound kind. They are your friend and of course they offer you one, damn is it good candy. So you tell them how good it is maybe the best you have ever tasted. Now here is the comparison. They offer you another piece. You know they only bought 8, because it was all they could afford and they were going to enjoy each and every one of them. They of course offer you another one. Now here is what I am saying is the comparison that came to my mind and does not seem as clear as I type it. You know that you want the candy, they say yes take it no guilt it is ok, heck maybe they even mean it. But you know if you eat that other piece of candy you will feel guilty (you will have taken 25% of what they bought you are not their best friend this is just a casual friendship). You are not even certain if you had the candy, that you would have offered this person one, they are that good. So you know you will feel guilty eating it yet you are told it is ok. So the analogy is after my dates I have that guilt feeling, like I am cheating. The same as it really isn’t cheating to eat the candy yet if you did you know the joy of the candy may not be worth the guilty feelings so as you can tell I have ate a little bit of chocolate on my dates. If I saw someone who knew Susie on a date I would feel like a cheater. Like I know the person with the chocolate may think of me if I had another piece or 2 of their candy.

Susie brought out the best in me. She was my angel 

Today was kind of a strange day. Went to work normal there. Found out in the afternoon a friend of mine who has a 16 month old son. She was taking him to the Dr this morning, he wound up being committed to the hospital. As it turns out they think he will be fine, maybe Pnomonnia, (sp). Anyway back to my strange day. I went over to talk and visit with Heather at oh about 7:30 PM just her and Colton were there. So I brought some candy and a small clifford beannie animal. So Heather ands I talked a bit. Coalton was a bit, and I mean just a little bit fidgitey. So we decided to take him for a walk up and down the hall, looked out the door and we were thinking colton was wanting to escape, he didn't. So we wound up at the toy room. They had a car that he could sit in and be pushed up and down the halls. I pushed the IV stand and Heather pushed the car. We did this for more than an hour one half. He was smiling the whole time, what a great kid he is. Now you read this and think "strange how"? Well of course I have one child who is 20 and I missed quite a bit of things with her since her mother had moved away while she was quite young, not making an excuse, I could of been there some more. But that's water under the bridge. So as you may know I got married when I was 30 and wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby. So after about 6 months with Susie and seeing how much she wanted to have a baby I knew that I wanted a baby without a doubt. I needed to share that with her. Well of course that was not our destiny. This is way off of topic but destiny and events that happen to a person in their life. I had 11 almost 12 years dating or being married to Susie I would not give up 1 minute. I may if given the chance have spent less time worrying and more time enjoying her. But I get further off point. If we had not had the challenges of her illness would we have had such devotion and love for each other. I like to think so but how do you know. If every thing is great you can over look the pure joys; like holding someone you love like they won't always be there. That is a lesson I learned. Hug like you mean it. So how this was strange
I can imagine, Susie and I being in a similar situation with our own child and having each other for support. I imagined Susie as a wonderful mother and just being awed by how much she love our child. That was part of the strange feeling. Then I kind of wondered what it would be like to have a child myself,I guess I whodunit actually have the baby but would meet the person to share my baby with me. I don't think I want a baby but I have been there before.

This is the question that I always ask myself. Sometimes it is just Big Brother is off so now. What next? Tonight it was a nice walk for my dog. That was an easy one. As I venture into this flirting hang out, befriend new people (girls). This is a much harder what next. I've met a few girls that it is like I could date her. But what then, I know I am not ready for any kind of commitment. So I then don't know what is right and wrong. I mean, it is ok if I have sex with sixty girls this year. I would not in anyway have loved Susie less, or miss her any more. But my problem is knowing this; I just don't feel like I am being honest with myself or the girls that I do this flirt hang out thing with. But I still do it, I really don't know all the reasons but I think I need someone to hold me. I have had lots of hugs the last five months but only a few times have I felt really held. Then mostly it was a friend that would feel my need and really give me a hug with passion. Believe me though I am not completely talking about sex, in fact I miss the intimacy more right now. That is what a few of my friends have hit on. I think a couple of these hugs were as good for my friends as for me (we all have issues and problems). So as I venture toward this dating thing, looking for intimacy, I have to say what next? And I just don't know. I know I am very lonely, and am not wanting to fill a need for me that winds up hurting someone else. But I am almost certain this will happen. Cause if you can't imagine what next you probably aren't ready for it. So I guess I go to bed and tomorrow maybe I will begin to truly think about what next.

Sunday morning, I woke up this morning. Went to get the news paper. When Susie was still here we would read the news paper all morning with our coffee and often doughnuts. It was nice to have that morning before we planned our day; the family visit, go to a movie, a pinic, yard work or rent movies. One thing was certain we spent almost all Sundays together enjoying each others company. Today as I reflect on that I wonder how it will feel when I do that with someone else. I know it will have to be different. What scare me is it won't be perfect. With Susie it was perfect. I did not want to be anywhere else. I could not think this isn't Susie, like I will now if I have a relaxing Sunday with someone else. I don't know how to explain this Susie and I just fit, comfortable. Did not have to have someone else but always had friends and family. I tell you though if you don't take at least one part of a day each week just to spend some time with the one you love weather it is reading the paper, taking a walk, whatever. Just so it is you and them. I believe that is how you can maintain the love in a relationship. I do know that we did it and our love never wavered. So I will have these Sunday morning blues remembering what was perfect. A little afraid to try it again cause it CAN NOT BE that comfortable with someone else. It is weird thinking about how they started though...I don't remember it wasn't like we said this is what we will do. In the final year or two we made a promise to continue spending our Sundays together and reflect on how lucky we were to have each other. Think about the week past and the ones to come. So now on a Blue Sunday I love the memories of my Sundays past, yet I fear the Sundays of my future. I guess that fear may be to strong of a word. I just know that a part of every Sunday I will feel a bit lonely. At least I hope that at some point I only feel a bit lonely. Cause right now I feel a lot lonely and am not really enjoying my Sundays the blue ones and that is what I have been getting for the last 5 months.