losing a soul mate

Several times have I thought and talked about first times with out my soul mate. Had one happen Monday, that may make snow forever worse or better. We had our first snow early this year October 24th. So now some back ground info that day was 6 months to the day I lost my wife April 24th 2005. I had been seeming to do a litle better coming upto that day but as it got closer I was really feeling lonely and missing having Susie with me. So the day comes the 24th I do go to work muddle through A couple people ask whats wrong, of course I say nothing. I go home build a fire hang with ny dog and cat feeling sad. About 10:30 to 11:00 I look outside and it is snowing I think wow this is early or something like that. I wake up in the morning and we have oh 5 to 6 inces of snow on the ground (like wow) I go to work through the slik roads and around the trees that have fallen. I am talking to someone about how early the snow was this year and all of a sudden I remember the night Susie died with me holding her hand and reading to her, looking out the Window and on April 24th it was snowing the same big wet snow flakes from today. I remember almost every detail from those hours. I was feeling close to her, I could since her felling slose to me. She wasn't talking but I knew she was a peace. She was not struggling just breating a little hard I am holding her hand and she just quit breathing. I remember the next few hectic minutes is she dead, Dear God please NO I am not ready for this the phone rings I mumble to the caller she has died and hang up they call back I tell them I am fine I just need some time. I know people are on their way. Susie's almost sister Nancey had just went to hte hospital to get medicine we would never need. Hospice was on their way to see what they may be able to do. So I am here still holding her hand thinking how will I go on why do I have to go on. I remember standing up and looking out the window keeping her hand in mine. The snow was falling those great big wet snow flakes. The dogwood in our front yard was white all branches were saying cover me, the pink blooms covered in snow in the light seemed to be almost lit up. I told myself Susie was ready for this, not me though I was not ready. I would never have been ready. Always another month week, even day is what I would want. I am in a small part, that can hardly come out, as I look at the quietness of the snow, the peacfulness, the quite that only happens when it first snows, no tracks just a nice blanket to keep out all the dirt, noise and imputities thankful she has went home. I did not have long, maybe 10 minutes by myself in the quiet. I thank God for that time though. So as I tear up writing this like I did when I first really thought about the snow and her death yesterday. Will I have these vivid memories every time it snows, or will it be wet snows, first snows last snows, or just the 6 month annerversarry snow. I do not know but, I still thank God she is at peace and also think another day or so would have been a blessing to me. Every day that I did spend with her was a blessing that I would not give up. Not even her last day on earth while it snowed on April 24th when it was to late in the year to snow at all.

What is intimacy? Somehow I am quite sure that is what I crave. I do not mean some kind of wild sexual romp, but a person to share my joys and sorrows with, tell my secrets, also spend the nights with. I think also waking up with someone would be nice.

These are all great ideas and I hope to find them all. Now my problem, how do you find this person When? Where do I look? It is strange to think about. I have ideas of what I would want. OK but looking for another Susie is probably a bad idea. But they will have to have many of her qualities she had. Caring (Susie care as much as anyone I have ever met), Strong (Her quiet strength, I do not know where she could find all that she had), Kind (She really wanted to do the right thing). Chacter (the saying that reminds me of Susie is "Real Chacter is what you do when no one is looking". She did the right thing. I will also have to find them attractive as they will have to find me. It is funny as I look at my list many people have them. But the magic that we had I can not describe, we cared more fore each other than ourselves. We became one. We were a great fit. She and I were alike in the ways we needed to be and oppisite when that was the way it was suppose to be. I mean we were perfect together.

So now back to my lack of intimacy. I know in my heart that I could not give myself wholey to someone right now. So here is where I guess my chacter is being tested. Do I look for something, that I know that I can not give. What I mean is right now I could give about oh, to just spout a number give say 50, 60 percent of myself. So that could be enough to lead someone else to give everything they have. I am pretty sure that will not lead to the type of intimacy, ultimately I am looking for. But in the short term I sure could use someone to hold onto.

But don't feel sorry for me I seem to do that very well all-by-myself.

Today was a hard day. I went to the courthouse to close the estate on Susie. Not a big deal 5 minutes, eleven dollars and your done. I now, legally never have to do anything regaurding Susie again. I am done in a physical since with my life with her. I am alone, It is strange Susie taught me the patience to deal with all this courthouse crap. So it was her that made this transition I went through less stressful. When I say Susie taught me patience I don't mean when I took care of her, I learned this from living with her. (This may sound crazy) How she had patince and forgiveness for people who didn't understand. She could explain to the insurance company why this was wrong or why that bill should be paid. She could deal with the people who could not help her to get to the ones that could. Someone sick she new that you helped. I know that I am so much a better person because of her.

So on to my bad day this part of my journey is over I will not have to do anything like this again. All she had has been disperced to the rightful owner. So I stood there in the hallway some tears running down my cheeks. I don't really know if in the long run this will all be worth it. Maybe giving up now would be better for me. that sounds so dramatic (giving up). What does it mean who knows exactly I have some ideas what it means. So as I was finishing up this blog I looked around my house, (I now usually call it my house) I see that yes one day in the future I will have another really bad day. It has been 6 months and I have not gotten rid of anything of hers. I have moved a few things boxed up a couple of things. But this house is still Susie. She could come home and take up where we left off. Don't think that will happen. But the house is ready. I know that she is not returning.

I guess I was optimistic putting the part about beginnings in the title maybe tomorrow for that.

Back from the beach, working etc. Have not felt much like blogging lately I think that I need to though. I feel like my life is on a downward spiral and not sure why. I just get the feeling that I am not moving the way I need to go and am afraid to try to figure out the correct way to go. I re-read this and it is confusing to me. I am just not ready to continue with my life. I think I need to continue mourning for longer. No matter how hard I try not to.