losing a soul mate

I have became friends with an old friend of Susie's and we have spent quite a bit of time talking and have progressed to actually going out. You do not know how hard it is to write this. I feel guilt where none should be. We seem to click and have a lot in common. I am scared though cause I know how lonely I have been...I don't know what I want right now, but it makes me feel good when she treats me like a man who is attractive. So I have wrote this down, now what is crazy here is oh I feel like if I am going out on dates, I shouldn't be in mourning, but I still hurt, I still feel all alone a lot of the time. I still feel like a part of me is gone and the void will never be filled.

This was crazy driving down an old country road I saw all these Christmas baloon type things in someone's yard. So I stopped and saw Santa Getting squished by a reindear and knew that Susie and I would have had a great laugh over it. It is strange I think about something we would enjoy and feel sad, happy, lost, lonely. I do feel all of those but lonely is what it comes back to after my smile is gone. 

Have to love the colors of a WV fall 

This is one of the many places I enjoyed sunsets with my soulmate. It was sad being there, but I think that feeling sad is better than not feeling at all. 

Thanks giving, what to be thankful for. I know I have lots of things to be thankful for, but I would give them all away if I could get Susie back. Oh but, like my momma used to say, "wish in one hand, poop in the other and see witch one fills up". So wishing for her back ain't gonna fill up my hand.

I guess I will be thankful for my life and the fact that I have a chance to do something to make a difference. I am not sure I will make a difference in the world the way I would like, but I am thankful I have the opportunity. I think each and every person in the world has a chance to make a difference in some way, I believe not in a small way but in a great way. I don't think many people live up to their potential I know up to now I am not there, and the last 7 months I am doing even less. But I am thankful for the chance...I hope you are too. Blessings kevin

Opening up Microsoft Outlook today, like every other day. I put numerous reminders in the calendar, like water the plants then every Sunday it reminds me. Susie had also put in many dates people birthdays, Anniversaries etc. So today I open it up and see first Diagnosis 1996, I think if I had to pick one day that changed the course of my life that may have been it, there are others maybe the day I married Susie, that led to this one. But this day November 7, 1996 was when I new for sure I would do anything in the world for my SOULMATE. I never had a doubt in my mind. I new that I was with her no matter what. I wonder sometimes if all people have this epiphany (sp) that they know for sure they are in for the long haul. Then live up to it and get ten fold what they give. From the day Susie was diagnosed with cancer we were in it together. I don't mean fighting cancer that was in much way just a small piece of what we were in for. We were in for life and living and making the most out of every day. We new that life was for living and enjoying. I think sometimes people get so caught up in the future they forget to love the moment they are in. Let me tell you I was lucky enough to spend 9 years enjoying and appreciating the person who was the world to me. In my heart I know she felt the same way. Susie and I also decided that the dreams we had that we were going to work to make them happen. We didn't complete them all but we never gave up on any of them. Susie was my inspiration to be the best I could be. She brought out the best in everyone she was around not just me. I was the lucky one to be a part of her life. I feel in a weird way that her being sick was a chance for her greatness to shine, the chance for her to make a difference. I think we all have this chance at some point in our lives but most of us, don't step up to do that great thing, we take the easy way. Well the day Susie was diagnosed she stepped up and said I am going to the best I can, I am going to help others and make the world better. That is tough to do. Me I think I would have failed in stepping up that way. I would have felt sorry for myself. Not Susie she never ever once said why me, this is not fair. She said I can do this and she did. So this first diagnoses thing really brings back some memories. Tomorrow I will blog the humor that found us the day Susie was first Diagnosed.

How can I know what to do. A part of me wishes all of Susie's clothes were gone from the house. I mean most of me wishes that. Today I thought about moving some of them, but instead I took a nap. Now I sit, here wondering what my hold up is. A part of me wants them to go to someone who can understand Susie and how great she was, boy does that sound looney. Susie was not her things, she was the person who lit up my life, gave me a reason to be. She was a caring, wonderful person. Her clothes are just things. But yet I still hold onto them. I don't do anything with them, I don't draw strength from them. Yet I still don't know how to let them go. The hard part is I know for me to start living a new life that I ultimately have to get rid of them(get rid of them sounds harsh). I wish I could make the world better giving them away. I know I am living in the past as long as her clothes are in the closets. It makes me sad as I I think about this, not sure I rally want to go on. I tell everyone that yes I want to get marrried again. Susie and I talked of this she was so strong. Now I think maybe I keep them so that I have an out, I can act like I want to go on, yet say nope I am unable to do this at this time. Wow as I think about this I am like maybe I am using them as a crutch, as long as they are here my life really can't be healed. So do I continue to wait? Will their be a right time? Should I make myself do it to remove my crutch? Removing my crutch, could that really prove to me that I can't go on? I know now I can get close, then say I am not ready. If I lose my crutch I may give up, I may realize that no I do not want to find someone else. That I can not get past Susie. Now I can say oh when the clothes are gone. But what if when their gone if I still can't get past it? I did not re-read or edit this so it probably sounds like a babbling. Although after putting this down and thinking about it, I am a long way from ready to take any steps away from my mourning.