losing a soul mate

Well it has almost been a year, I look back and the past year is very fuzzy last spring and summer I have no memory of at all. No clue what I did -so this year it will almost be like the first one with out Susie. Christmas and the Winter I have some recollection of I can remember missing Susie. Last Spring and Summer though none I don't even remember what it felt like with out her it is just fuzz if this were not 2006 I would think maybe it was spring 2005. I am not looking forward to April 24th the one year anniversary. I seem to be very emotional, on the verge of cryingall the time and that is not me. Like I was watching a story on the female basketball coach from Army on ESPN. I know it was sad but I was tearing up and and just feeling overwhelmed like I may not be able to keep it together. I did somewhat keep it together but it was hard. It may have been that the coach was so young and so full of life and spirit like Susie that made it hit me so hard. That is an example of me crying but I feel like crying 5 or 10 maybe even 20 times a day, sometimes I wonder how the people I am talking to and working with can't tell. I think this is kina funny not ha ha funny but strange, every month the last year on the 24th maybe even earlier in the week I would think about how long Susie had been gone in months, like at 1 month I was still not wanting to beleive she was gone but also would think it seems longer, I guess though each month has been like that to different degrees. It is like now has it been a year, sometimes I am like NO WAY other times I think only a year it seems so long long ago that I held her in my arms. I am moving on in some ways as I know I should but this 1 year mark is very sad. I wonder will I keep thinking of her every 24th or just yearly now, I think of her every day, but so far every 24th I think of her in the terms of how much I miss her and how long she has been gone and I don't think of her that way every day. But I have on every 24th. So I wonder what it will be like this second year, will be as sad next year and how will it be different...