losing a soul mate

Several times have I thought and talked about first times with out my soul mate. Had one happen Monday, that may make snow forever worse or better. We had our first snow early this year October 24th. So now some back ground info that day was 6 months to the day I lost my wife April 24th 2005. I had been seeming to do a litle better coming upto that day but as it got closer I was really feeling lonely and missing having Susie with me. So the day comes the 24th I do go to work muddle through A couple people ask whats wrong, of course I say nothing. I go home build a fire hang with ny dog and cat feeling sad. About 10:30 to 11:00 I look outside and it is snowing I think wow this is early or something like that. I wake up in the morning and we have oh 5 to 6 inces of snow on the ground (like wow) I go to work through the slik roads and around the trees that have fallen. I am talking to someone about how early the snow was this year and all of a sudden I remember the night Susie died with me holding her hand and reading to her, looking out the Window and on April 24th it was snowing the same big wet snow flakes from today. I remember almost every detail from those hours. I was feeling close to her, I could since her felling slose to me. She wasn't talking but I knew she was a peace. She was not struggling just breating a little hard I am holding her hand and she just quit breathing. I remember the next few hectic minutes is she dead, Dear God please NO I am not ready for this the phone rings I mumble to the caller she has died and hang up they call back I tell them I am fine I just need some time. I know people are on their way. Susie's almost sister Nancey had just went to hte hospital to get medicine we would never need. Hospice was on their way to see what they may be able to do. So I am here still holding her hand thinking how will I go on why do I have to go on. I remember standing up and looking out the window keeping her hand in mine. The snow was falling those great big wet snow flakes. The dogwood in our front yard was white all branches were saying cover me, the pink blooms covered in snow in the light seemed to be almost lit up. I told myself Susie was ready for this, not me though I was not ready. I would never have been ready. Always another month week, even day is what I would want. I am in a small part, that can hardly come out, as I look at the quietness of the snow, the peacfulness, the quite that only happens when it first snows, no tracks just a nice blanket to keep out all the dirt, noise and imputities thankful she has went home. I did not have long, maybe 10 minutes by myself in the quiet. I thank God for that time though. So as I tear up writing this like I did when I first really thought about the snow and her death yesterday. Will I have these vivid memories every time it snows, or will it be wet snows, first snows last snows, or just the 6 month annerversarry snow. I do not know but, I still thank God she is at peace and also think another day or so would have been a blessing to me. Every day that I did spend with her was a blessing that I would not give up. Not even her last day on earth while it snowed on April 24th when it was to late in the year to snow at all.