losing a soul mate

Almost 2 years, does not seem possible. I am in a commited relationship. I don't know how I luck into finding good people but I do.

Now thinking about Susie I have been a little bit sad the last few weeks at times thinking about my past but with that said I do have much to be thankful for. I know that we all have to go on with our lives and I know that Susie if she could talk to me would tell me to live my life and be happy. It is strange how my memories now seem to make me smile more often than not. I do still have an occasional thought or memory where it feels like I was punched in the stomache. It is strange when it happens though it is not when I take susie flowers but may be when someone ask something off the wall and I have a thought go through my mind about how Susie would of thought about that particular thought. Well it has been forever since I blogged but I thought about this today so here is another blog.

Well it has almost been a year, I look back and the past year is very fuzzy last spring and summer I have no memory of at all. No clue what I did -so this year it will almost be like the first one with out Susie. Christmas and the Winter I have some recollection of I can remember missing Susie. Last Spring and Summer though none I don't even remember what it felt like with out her it is just fuzz if this were not 2006 I would think maybe it was spring 2005. I am not looking forward to April 24th the one year anniversary. I seem to be very emotional, on the verge of cryingall the time and that is not me. Like I was watching a story on the female basketball coach from Army on ESPN. I know it was sad but I was tearing up and and just feeling overwhelmed like I may not be able to keep it together. I did somewhat keep it together but it was hard. It may have been that the coach was so young and so full of life and spirit like Susie that made it hit me so hard. That is an example of me crying but I feel like crying 5 or 10 maybe even 20 times a day, sometimes I wonder how the people I am talking to and working with can't tell. I think this is kina funny not ha ha funny but strange, every month the last year on the 24th maybe even earlier in the week I would think about how long Susie had been gone in months, like at 1 month I was still not wanting to beleive she was gone but also would think it seems longer, I guess though each month has been like that to different degrees. It is like now has it been a year, sometimes I am like NO WAY other times I think only a year it seems so long long ago that I held her in my arms. I am moving on in some ways as I know I should but this 1 year mark is very sad. I wonder will I keep thinking of her every 24th or just yearly now, I think of her every day, but so far every 24th I think of her in the terms of how much I miss her and how long she has been gone and I don't think of her that way every day. But I have on every 24th. So I wonder what it will be like this second year, will be as sad next year and how will it be different...

I heard this song a while back got the CD for Christmas. I was surfing the net today and came upon it in someone else's blog, so I copied and pasted it in to mine. I look out my window and it is a beautiful day, high 60's slight breeze and I sure miss Susie. This song made me think of what Susie would be today. This is some of what Susie would be today - She would be making the world a better place, she would know that what is important is that you need find a way to give back. She would of been a great mom, she would be a wonderful friend to all those who miss her. She would still let Zima (her min pin) lick her in the face. She would still be trying to have the people she cared for to get along. She would be making me a better person by being with her. Susie would still be a great person. I know her memory still lives on and she is still touching hearts as the people she cared for in her life are out helping others in theirs. So read the words to this song and think about the people in your life that left to soon and remember what they were and know that God has a plan...

"Who You'd Be Today"

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

I went to see a movie this weekend, I cried like a baby (not an exaggeration). The movie was “the family stone” with Claire Danes, Diane Keaton, Rachel McAdams, Dermot Mulroney and Sara Jessica parker. The mom Diane Keaton had breast cancer and dies. But before that in the movie she is in bed with her husband and she grabs his hand and pulls it toward her chest and you see her scar and that is how you found out she has breast cancer. This scene brought on 2 thoughts of emotion for me the first as she was talking and worrying about what would happen to the ones she loves was Susie through and through but that one I deal with all the time. The other emotion came from the intimacy of her grabbing his hand and pulling it to her breast (he was also reaching for her). This made me think of Susie in the most intimate way (it was like someone else feeling something I thought was only in me). Susie always worried about me, my needs and desires. Also, at times she needed reassurance of her desirability. She never asked for this, but I tried and hope conveyed to her that I loved her and found her beautiful inside and out. This scene is of two people sharing something that is special. Not everyone gets to, in this life, share a moment like this. Susie and I shared several moments like that, I am thankful for those. But watching that on the movie brought them back and made me wish for just one more moment with her like that, but that’s one wish I will never get. So I cried my tears and told myself to be thankful that I was the one chosen to share moments like that with her. I have been blessed and need to be thankful for what I have and have had; instead of worrying about what I lost or didn’t have.

So anyway this movie was prety good, in places the plot is not completly beleivable but the acting is great and the emotions it brings out of losing someone you love would get 2 thumbs up from me. Blessing to you all and I wish you a Merry Christmas kevin

I have became friends with an old friend of Susie's and we have spent quite a bit of time talking and have progressed to actually going out. You do not know how hard it is to write this. I feel guilt where none should be. We seem to click and have a lot in common. I am scared though cause I know how lonely I have been...I don't know what I want right now, but it makes me feel good when she treats me like a man who is attractive. So I have wrote this down, now what is crazy here is oh I feel like if I am going out on dates, I shouldn't be in mourning, but I still hurt, I still feel all alone a lot of the time. I still feel like a part of me is gone and the void will never be filled.

This was crazy driving down an old country road I saw all these Christmas baloon type things in someone's yard. So I stopped and saw Santa Getting squished by a reindear and knew that Susie and I would have had a great laugh over it. It is strange I think about something we would enjoy and feel sad, happy, lost, lonely. I do feel all of those but lonely is what it comes back to after my smile is gone. 

Have to love the colors of a WV fall 

This is one of the many places I enjoyed sunsets with my soulmate. It was sad being there, but I think that feeling sad is better than not feeling at all. 

Thanks giving, what to be thankful for. I know I have lots of things to be thankful for, but I would give them all away if I could get Susie back. Oh but, like my momma used to say, "wish in one hand, poop in the other and see witch one fills up". So wishing for her back ain't gonna fill up my hand.

I guess I will be thankful for my life and the fact that I have a chance to do something to make a difference. I am not sure I will make a difference in the world the way I would like, but I am thankful I have the opportunity. I think each and every person in the world has a chance to make a difference in some way, I believe not in a small way but in a great way. I don't think many people live up to their potential I know up to now I am not there, and the last 7 months I am doing even less. But I am thankful for the chance...I hope you are too. Blessings kevin

Opening up Microsoft Outlook today, like every other day. I put numerous reminders in the calendar, like water the plants then every Sunday it reminds me. Susie had also put in many dates people birthdays, Anniversaries etc. So today I open it up and see first Diagnosis 1996, I think if I had to pick one day that changed the course of my life that may have been it, there are others maybe the day I married Susie, that led to this one. But this day November 7, 1996 was when I new for sure I would do anything in the world for my SOULMATE. I never had a doubt in my mind. I new that I was with her no matter what. I wonder sometimes if all people have this epiphany (sp) that they know for sure they are in for the long haul. Then live up to it and get ten fold what they give. From the day Susie was diagnosed with cancer we were in it together. I don't mean fighting cancer that was in much way just a small piece of what we were in for. We were in for life and living and making the most out of every day. We new that life was for living and enjoying. I think sometimes people get so caught up in the future they forget to love the moment they are in. Let me tell you I was lucky enough to spend 9 years enjoying and appreciating the person who was the world to me. In my heart I know she felt the same way. Susie and I also decided that the dreams we had that we were going to work to make them happen. We didn't complete them all but we never gave up on any of them. Susie was my inspiration to be the best I could be. She brought out the best in everyone she was around not just me. I was the lucky one to be a part of her life. I feel in a weird way that her being sick was a chance for her greatness to shine, the chance for her to make a difference. I think we all have this chance at some point in our lives but most of us, don't step up to do that great thing, we take the easy way. Well the day Susie was diagnosed she stepped up and said I am going to the best I can, I am going to help others and make the world better. That is tough to do. Me I think I would have failed in stepping up that way. I would have felt sorry for myself. Not Susie she never ever once said why me, this is not fair. She said I can do this and she did. So this first diagnoses thing really brings back some memories. Tomorrow I will blog the humor that found us the day Susie was first Diagnosed.

How can I know what to do. A part of me wishes all of Susie's clothes were gone from the house. I mean most of me wishes that. Today I thought about moving some of them, but instead I took a nap. Now I sit, here wondering what my hold up is. A part of me wants them to go to someone who can understand Susie and how great she was, boy does that sound looney. Susie was not her things, she was the person who lit up my life, gave me a reason to be. She was a caring, wonderful person. Her clothes are just things. But yet I still hold onto them. I don't do anything with them, I don't draw strength from them. Yet I still don't know how to let them go. The hard part is I know for me to start living a new life that I ultimately have to get rid of them(get rid of them sounds harsh). I wish I could make the world better giving them away. I know I am living in the past as long as her clothes are in the closets. It makes me sad as I I think about this, not sure I rally want to go on. I tell everyone that yes I want to get marrried again. Susie and I talked of this she was so strong. Now I think maybe I keep them so that I have an out, I can act like I want to go on, yet say nope I am unable to do this at this time. Wow as I think about this I am like maybe I am using them as a crutch, as long as they are here my life really can't be healed. So do I continue to wait? Will their be a right time? Should I make myself do it to remove my crutch? Removing my crutch, could that really prove to me that I can't go on? I know now I can get close, then say I am not ready. If I lose my crutch I may give up, I may realize that no I do not want to find someone else. That I can not get past Susie. Now I can say oh when the clothes are gone. But what if when their gone if I still can't get past it? I did not re-read or edit this so it probably sounds like a babbling. Although after putting this down and thinking about it, I am a long way from ready to take any steps away from my mourning.

Several times have I thought and talked about first times with out my soul mate. Had one happen Monday, that may make snow forever worse or better. We had our first snow early this year October 24th. So now some back ground info that day was 6 months to the day I lost my wife April 24th 2005. I had been seeming to do a litle better coming upto that day but as it got closer I was really feeling lonely and missing having Susie with me. So the day comes the 24th I do go to work muddle through A couple people ask whats wrong, of course I say nothing. I go home build a fire hang with ny dog and cat feeling sad. About 10:30 to 11:00 I look outside and it is snowing I think wow this is early or something like that. I wake up in the morning and we have oh 5 to 6 inces of snow on the ground (like wow) I go to work through the slik roads and around the trees that have fallen. I am talking to someone about how early the snow was this year and all of a sudden I remember the night Susie died with me holding her hand and reading to her, looking out the Window and on April 24th it was snowing the same big wet snow flakes from today. I remember almost every detail from those hours. I was feeling close to her, I could since her felling slose to me. She wasn't talking but I knew she was a peace. She was not struggling just breating a little hard I am holding her hand and she just quit breathing. I remember the next few hectic minutes is she dead, Dear God please NO I am not ready for this the phone rings I mumble to the caller she has died and hang up they call back I tell them I am fine I just need some time. I know people are on their way. Susie's almost sister Nancey had just went to hte hospital to get medicine we would never need. Hospice was on their way to see what they may be able to do. So I am here still holding her hand thinking how will I go on why do I have to go on. I remember standing up and looking out the window keeping her hand in mine. The snow was falling those great big wet snow flakes. The dogwood in our front yard was white all branches were saying cover me, the pink blooms covered in snow in the light seemed to be almost lit up. I told myself Susie was ready for this, not me though I was not ready. I would never have been ready. Always another month week, even day is what I would want. I am in a small part, that can hardly come out, as I look at the quietness of the snow, the peacfulness, the quite that only happens when it first snows, no tracks just a nice blanket to keep out all the dirt, noise and imputities thankful she has went home. I did not have long, maybe 10 minutes by myself in the quiet. I thank God for that time though. So as I tear up writing this like I did when I first really thought about the snow and her death yesterday. Will I have these vivid memories every time it snows, or will it be wet snows, first snows last snows, or just the 6 month annerversarry snow. I do not know but, I still thank God she is at peace and also think another day or so would have been a blessing to me. Every day that I did spend with her was a blessing that I would not give up. Not even her last day on earth while it snowed on April 24th when it was to late in the year to snow at all.

What is intimacy? Somehow I am quite sure that is what I crave. I do not mean some kind of wild sexual romp, but a person to share my joys and sorrows with, tell my secrets, also spend the nights with. I think also waking up with someone would be nice.

These are all great ideas and I hope to find them all. Now my problem, how do you find this person When? Where do I look? It is strange to think about. I have ideas of what I would want. OK but looking for another Susie is probably a bad idea. But they will have to have many of her qualities she had. Caring (Susie care as much as anyone I have ever met), Strong (Her quiet strength, I do not know where she could find all that she had), Kind (She really wanted to do the right thing). Chacter (the saying that reminds me of Susie is "Real Chacter is what you do when no one is looking". She did the right thing. I will also have to find them attractive as they will have to find me. It is funny as I look at my list many people have them. But the magic that we had I can not describe, we cared more fore each other than ourselves. We became one. We were a great fit. She and I were alike in the ways we needed to be and oppisite when that was the way it was suppose to be. I mean we were perfect together.

So now back to my lack of intimacy. I know in my heart that I could not give myself wholey to someone right now. So here is where I guess my chacter is being tested. Do I look for something, that I know that I can not give. What I mean is right now I could give about oh, to just spout a number give say 50, 60 percent of myself. So that could be enough to lead someone else to give everything they have. I am pretty sure that will not lead to the type of intimacy, ultimately I am looking for. But in the short term I sure could use someone to hold onto.

But don't feel sorry for me I seem to do that very well all-by-myself.

Today was a hard day. I went to the courthouse to close the estate on Susie. Not a big deal 5 minutes, eleven dollars and your done. I now, legally never have to do anything regaurding Susie again. I am done in a physical since with my life with her. I am alone, It is strange Susie taught me the patience to deal with all this courthouse crap. So it was her that made this transition I went through less stressful. When I say Susie taught me patience I don't mean when I took care of her, I learned this from living with her. (This may sound crazy) How she had patince and forgiveness for people who didn't understand. She could explain to the insurance company why this was wrong or why that bill should be paid. She could deal with the people who could not help her to get to the ones that could. Someone sick she new that you helped. I know that I am so much a better person because of her.

So on to my bad day this part of my journey is over I will not have to do anything like this again. All she had has been disperced to the rightful owner. So I stood there in the hallway some tears running down my cheeks. I don't really know if in the long run this will all be worth it. Maybe giving up now would be better for me. that sounds so dramatic (giving up). What does it mean who knows exactly I have some ideas what it means. So as I was finishing up this blog I looked around my house, (I now usually call it my house) I see that yes one day in the future I will have another really bad day. It has been 6 months and I have not gotten rid of anything of hers. I have moved a few things boxed up a couple of things. But this house is still Susie. She could come home and take up where we left off. Don't think that will happen. But the house is ready. I know that she is not returning.

I guess I was optimistic putting the part about beginnings in the title maybe tomorrow for that.

Back from the beach, working etc. Have not felt much like blogging lately I think that I need to though. I feel like my life is on a downward spiral and not sure why. I just get the feeling that I am not moving the way I need to go and am afraid to try to figure out the correct way to go. I re-read this and it is confusing to me. I am just not ready to continue with my life. I think I need to continue mourning for longer. No matter how hard I try not to.

I am going to the outer banks on Saturday. I think I deserve the vacation, heck I think almost all people deserve a vacation. But I am lucky enough to get to go. I will be there for 10 days woohoo. When I found out I could go and have a place to stay (no charge). I ask several friends and family if they could go. Strike out, so I was talking to a co-worker /friend I mentioned in a whiney voice, I was going alone could not get any sympathy. But she said her daughter was between jobs and would enjoy the vacation. So I said sure. So after I made the impulse agreement it was like oh my, 10 days with some one I had not met before, I may have seen her one time at a work function. So I think I can get along with anyone and it would be fun to make a new friend. (That sounds dorky)"find a new friend". Anyway I started looking forward to it. Then it was like well maybe she should meet me I am not perfect kind of an old square with this weird since of humor. So I called her mom and wound up going to their home for dinner a couple days later. It was a magnificent older home, with a great aura about it. I think I could tell it was a happy home. Then I find out she is a chef (hmm maybe she will cook a dinner or 2 while there) She made a very good dinner that night. She loves dogs, and has a great since of humor. So this is even better than I had thought. But really after spending the evening with her, I could tell that she is the type of person that will be true to her friends and has a tremendous spirit. I feel lucky that I get the chance to spend 10 days with her. This will probably sound crazy. But getting the chance to meet someone new with no expectations of anything but hanging out and having a good time is a rare thing. It is kind of like big brother with out the challenges and the evictions. So I look forward to this trip and hope that I am able to bring something new to this person with the wonderful spirit. So I l am looking forward to this trip and hope to make new friend. I tell you at my old age of 40 you rarely get a chance to make a new friend, not a girl friend but a friend.

Ok here I go I was driving home by myself yesterday. It was about a four hour trip. So I think about many many things when I drive. Some of them are pretty of the wall. Well I had this thought about how I feel about dating. It is a crazy comparison. So here goes. I have been on a few dates since I lost my wife. So my analogy is this. Everyone tells me that dating is alright, hell Susie told me many times that when she was gone she wanted me to be happy and find someone else. (She mentioned a few people that were not expectable) but other than that I was on my own. So I have left alone the forbidden, was not interested in them any way. But about my dates everyone and I mean everyone I talk to says that it is ok to go out and have fun. I some what believe this. So to my analogy about the chocolate. You go to a friend’s house (now bear with me). They have say 8 pieces of very expensive chocolate. I mean the $12 a pound kind. They are your friend and of course they offer you one, damn is it good candy. So you tell them how good it is maybe the best you have ever tasted. Now here is the comparison. They offer you another piece. You know they only bought 8, because it was all they could afford and they were going to enjoy each and every one of them. They of course offer you another one. Now here is what I am saying is the comparison that came to my mind and does not seem as clear as I type it. You know that you want the candy, they say yes take it no guilt it is ok, heck maybe they even mean it. But you know if you eat that other piece of candy you will feel guilty (you will have taken 25% of what they bought you are not their best friend this is just a casual friendship). You are not even certain if you had the candy, that you would have offered this person one, they are that good. So you know you will feel guilty eating it yet you are told it is ok. So the analogy is after my dates I have that guilt feeling, like I am cheating. The same as it really isn’t cheating to eat the candy yet if you did you know the joy of the candy may not be worth the guilty feelings so as you can tell I have ate a little bit of chocolate on my dates. If I saw someone who knew Susie on a date I would feel like a cheater. Like I know the person with the chocolate may think of me if I had another piece or 2 of their candy.

Susie brought out the best in me. She was my angel 

Today was kind of a strange day. Went to work normal there. Found out in the afternoon a friend of mine who has a 16 month old son. She was taking him to the Dr this morning, he wound up being committed to the hospital. As it turns out they think he will be fine, maybe Pnomonnia, (sp). Anyway back to my strange day. I went over to talk and visit with Heather at oh about 7:30 PM just her and Colton were there. So I brought some candy and a small clifford beannie animal. So Heather ands I talked a bit. Coalton was a bit, and I mean just a little bit fidgitey. So we decided to take him for a walk up and down the hall, looked out the door and we were thinking colton was wanting to escape, he didn't. So we wound up at the toy room. They had a car that he could sit in and be pushed up and down the halls. I pushed the IV stand and Heather pushed the car. We did this for more than an hour one half. He was smiling the whole time, what a great kid he is. Now you read this and think "strange how"? Well of course I have one child who is 20 and I missed quite a bit of things with her since her mother had moved away while she was quite young, not making an excuse, I could of been there some more. But that's water under the bridge. So as you may know I got married when I was 30 and wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby. So after about 6 months with Susie and seeing how much she wanted to have a baby I knew that I wanted a baby without a doubt. I needed to share that with her. Well of course that was not our destiny. This is way off of topic but destiny and events that happen to a person in their life. I had 11 almost 12 years dating or being married to Susie I would not give up 1 minute. I may if given the chance have spent less time worrying and more time enjoying her. But I get further off point. If we had not had the challenges of her illness would we have had such devotion and love for each other. I like to think so but how do you know. If every thing is great you can over look the pure joys; like holding someone you love like they won't always be there. That is a lesson I learned. Hug like you mean it. So how this was strange
I can imagine, Susie and I being in a similar situation with our own child and having each other for support. I imagined Susie as a wonderful mother and just being awed by how much she love our child. That was part of the strange feeling. Then I kind of wondered what it would be like to have a child myself,I guess I whodunit actually have the baby but would meet the person to share my baby with me. I don't think I want a baby but I have been there before.

This is the question that I always ask myself. Sometimes it is just Big Brother is off so now. What next? Tonight it was a nice walk for my dog. That was an easy one. As I venture into this flirting hang out, befriend new people (girls). This is a much harder what next. I've met a few girls that it is like I could date her. But what then, I know I am not ready for any kind of commitment. So I then don't know what is right and wrong. I mean, it is ok if I have sex with sixty girls this year. I would not in anyway have loved Susie less, or miss her any more. But my problem is knowing this; I just don't feel like I am being honest with myself or the girls that I do this flirt hang out thing with. But I still do it, I really don't know all the reasons but I think I need someone to hold me. I have had lots of hugs the last five months but only a few times have I felt really held. Then mostly it was a friend that would feel my need and really give me a hug with passion. Believe me though I am not completely talking about sex, in fact I miss the intimacy more right now. That is what a few of my friends have hit on. I think a couple of these hugs were as good for my friends as for me (we all have issues and problems). So as I venture toward this dating thing, looking for intimacy, I have to say what next? And I just don't know. I know I am very lonely, and am not wanting to fill a need for me that winds up hurting someone else. But I am almost certain this will happen. Cause if you can't imagine what next you probably aren't ready for it. So I guess I go to bed and tomorrow maybe I will begin to truly think about what next.